Baba Kamdev starts abstinence fest

On the sidelines of anti-corruption hunger strike by Baba Ramdev, a local swami ji, Baba Kamdev, is starting an abstinence fest in the GB Road park, close to Ramlila maidan.

While Baba Ramdev is fighting the cause of anti-corruption, Baba Kamdev is fighting for the rights of sex-workers in the region. Baba Kamdev has said that neither he nor his followers will engage in any sexual activity till his demands are met. He has been protesting vociferously against unhygienic living quarters, police atrocities and the rise of crime in Dilli's red light district. His demands include regular patrol by women police officers, legalization of sex workers, condom promotion campaigns, customer prevention programs and setting up of specialized health clinics for women in the area. He is also asking for a proper rehabilitation program for aging sex workers.

While a council of ministers has been sent to speak to Baba Ramdev, no such efforts have been made to stop Baba Kamdev's efforts.

While speaking to reporters, Baba Kamdev said, "While we are fighting to stop corruption, nobody is trying to ensure that the corrupted society is rectified. Yeh ghor anyaya hai!"

While the sex workers are happy with Baba Kamdev's efforts they are also scared of the loss in revenue. Reportedly, Baba Kamdev has a lot of influence over the customers of all sex workers. His Kam Yog ashram has been treating and helping a lot of people with sexual dysfunction.

One of his followers, Rasila Kumar (name changed), spoke to us on the condition of anonymity and said, "Kamdev baba has changed my life. I am not only able to keep my wife happy, but I can have a lot of fun on the side too."

Kamakshi devi, leader of the sex workers association said, "High time the government got over their corruption problems. They must start looking at our plight too. We whole heartedly support this fest."

Nobody from the health ministry was available for comment.

Dilli Police launches beacon drive

Dilli Police will launch a drive from June 1 to fine and impound vehicles that are wrongly using red beacons on their cars. Only a few high ranking politicians and government officials are allowed to use red beacons.

During this period the police will also be promoting the use of beacons in the cars of people who are entitled to use the beacon but do not use it. According to the police only 50 percent of authorized red beacon users are regularly using their beacons.

The vehicles that are found to be using beacons illegally will be fined Rs. 50,000 and impounded. In an unusual way of punishing these offenders, the police will affix large decals on the cars that say, "I am not a VIP". These decals will use a special adhesive developed for this purpose by Febicol.

Mr. Sanjeev Chep, MD, Febicol said, "This special epoxy adhesive ensures that the decal cannot be removed without scratching the paint or breaking the glass."

To ensure that the legal beacon users regularly use the beacons, the police will hard-wire the beacons with the air-conditioners, de-foggers and audio systems of all the VIP cars authorized to use red beacons.

Mr. Rakesh Malik, ACP Traffic, said, "We think that hard-wiring beacons is the best way to increase their utilization".

Mr. PS Sarthi, president of VIP drivers union, has threatened to go on strike protesting against the hard-wiring. He said, "If we hard-wire the sirens and beacons with audio systems, it will not allow the drivers to listen to the radio while waiting. It will take away the only source of time-pass of drivers."

The police fined four such vehicles in a similar drive last year.

Broom shortage causes havoc

Various streets in Delhi have not been cleaned in the last few weeks due to a shortage of brooms with the Municipal Karporation of Dilli. The sanitation workers say that they have not received their quota of brooms for this year.

When contacted, Karporation executives have blamed the lack of planning on the part of the procurement commission in buying new automated broom-sets for more than 54,000 sanitation workers in the city.

The automated brooms have a rotary motion that allows the sanitation workers to clean the area allotted to them much faster. Each sanitation worker has to cover more than 60,000 sq. ft. of area every day.

When contacted, the procurement commission's chairman, Mr. Sabrok Singh said, "This is all because of the Commonwealth Games. We were sourcing the brooms from the same company that supplied cleaning equipment for Commonwealth Games but went out of business due to delayed payments."

The dilli municipality is now forced to source normal brooms at Rs. 600 a piece, double the original cost, from Thailand.

One of the safai karamcharis, Hari babu, said, "It has not only caused us a lot of work backlog, our plans of starting the Annual Quidditch Games has also gone for a toss."

Meanwhile, the karamchari union had to delay their protest march due to excessive stench of uncleared garbage near Jantar Mantar.

Shivlinga found at Commonwealth Games site

The commonwealth games village authority has a new challenge on their hands. Work on the jinxed project has been delayed further due to a sensational find. Ram Gopal Verma, a local doodhwala from Yamuna Pushta area, discovered a Shivlinga right in the center of the construction site. He had reportedly taken his cattle to graze on the Yamuna river-bed, which has been more a center of controversy than development.

Ram Gopal Verma, narrated the incident and said, "Hum to gaiyya chara rahe they. Tabhi Nandi, hamara saand, ekdum se baith gaya. Dekhne par pata chala ki wo Shivling ke saamne baitha tha. Tabhi humne purohit jee ko khabar dee." (I had brought my cattle to graze when my bull Nandi sat in front of the Shivling. Thereon, I informed the priest of my finding.)

The head-priest of Akshardan Temple has urged the gorment to grant this land for a religious cause. He said,"Its god's will that there should be a temple here instead of a games village. He saved the Ganga once, now he wants to save the Yamuna."

This finding totally overshadowed the efforts of more than 20 NGOs, who had gathered to plant samplings as a mark of silent protest against the making of the games village. All the samplings were reportedly destroyed by the deluge of TV-channel trucks on the site. This instant publicity has given Nandi, Ram Gopal's bull, a star status on television.

Mr. Nagpal, SP East-Delhi said,"We have filed a case of trespassing against Ram Gopal Verma and he has been detained for further questioning."

A procession is planned in the morning by 'Hindu Samaj' to celebrate the latest avatar of 'Nandi' and the finding of 'Shivlinga'. You are requested to check the local papers for traffic diversions.

McDonalds at Tihar

Mcdonalds India has reportedly received a request for catering services in Tihar Jail. Jail authorities have expressed concern over the unhygienic food being supplied in the premises and requested McDonalds to take up the contract.

Mr. Hawaldar, Jailer, said ," We cannot control the rat population, and the kitchen equipment is clearly outdated. We see preparing food as a non-core activity and our managing committee has thus decided to outsource it."

According to the contract, twenty soft-drink vending machines have to be set up and maintained at strategic locations throughout the campus. The VIP wing, on the other hand, will get a regular supply of canned drinks, with mini-freezers being installed in alternate cells (as a cost cutting measure).

Two in-house kitchens are to be set-up for the whole exercise. One will be a Jain kitchen catering to the vegetarian convicts, and the other will cater to non-vegetarian convicts. Special additions to the menu include bun-maska, pav-bhaji and cutting masala chai. As a special gesture towards Tihar criminals the service will also include a packet of smokes with each meal. ITC has agreed to sponsor these packets of Wills Navy Cut.

In addition, the meals will now be delivered to individual cells. McDonalds is reportedly training its staff on roller-skates for operational efficiency.

Commenting on this unique promotion activity Mr.Dhua, AVP marketing, ITC, said,"This will help us gain precious customers, and will result in 100% conversion to our brand of cigarettes."

Mr. Alluka, Sr. VP McDonalds, said,"We are at the due-diligence stage and would not like to comment on market speculation."

Finally, on this move, Mr. Hawaldar commented," The committee thinks that
McDonalds will introduce international standards of hygiene and will
also help in improving the quality of food available to esteemed
convicts. We also expect to reduce our medical bills by 30% with this effort."

On the other hand we have learnt from reliable sources that this move is not for convict welfare, but due to terrorist threats. Possibility of a bun-scam cannot be overruled.

The Protective GERE

According to unconfirmed reports Dilli Gorment has recently appointed Richard Gere as a one man committee to address the problems of Rag-Busters (The Delhi Rag-pickers Association). Rag-Busters have reportedly demanded protective gear from the gorment to save them from infections while rag-picking.

The gorment has said that it needs Rs. 300 for each of the 4500 rag pickers in dilli to provide protective gear. It has ushered in the services of Richard Gere, who enjoys the position of a serial kisser social worker in India to help raise funds as well as assist the rag pickers in their daily duties. Shilpa Shetty is reportedly joining him in the effort. She has said, that she would love to be a part of this noble cause as she hates filth. She will be sporting a specially designed old newspaper costume by Manish Malhotra at the event. Manish said," I have used special newspapers with Richard Gere kissing Shilpa, to keep him away this time around."

When asked, Mr. Kachra, waste minister of Dilli commented," Janta se anurodh hai, ke kachra kam karen aur Gire(Gere) ko sahara den!"

The big farse wedding strike

Big-Fat-Ass (Association of Big-Fat Tent Wallas of Delhi) has called for a three day bandh owing to the recent announcement banning lavish punjabi weddings in the city.
According to the announcement all weddings should be a simple affair without booze and non-vegetarian food.

The bandh is backed by Chicken-Mar (Chicken Market Association of Delhi) and MOTA (Mithai-Owners Trade Association). This bandh will affect all marriage functions, Pappu's birthday party and "The Big-Mithai Festival" to be inaugurated tomorrow.

All these associations have threatened to extend it into an indefinite strike if the decision is not reversed. Chicken-Mar especially has already stopped the supply of leg-pieces to the market.

This double blow by the association has already led to one casualty in the city. Mr. Harjinder Mullick could only utter the words,"Hey chicken..., Hey Chicken...", before collapsing one day prior to his great-great-grandson's big-fat wedding.
The Big-Mithai festival is also in danger of being swept off as most mithai merchants have reportedly pulled out. Not only that, they have created huge mounds of sugar on the event site causing quite a stir. Residential houses near the event site have reported sudden infestation of ants in their homes.

Mr. Doobe, our share and commodities market consultant has changed his rating on the sugar market from buy to sell, as he sees a sharp drop in sugar demand, owing to the strike.

Mr. Khote, our consultant lawyer very candidly commented,"Yahan murge ki jaan gayi, aur unhe shaadi ki padi hai!". He also said that the announcement has no legal bindings. He said,"The leaders can at-most make an appeal and pray that people follow."